#1

Now I lay me down to weep

This poor soul will never sleep

Dear father time won't let me die

But who's to question why

I'm standing near so near. It is sapping my strength to think of the last time we were close. When we shared an intimacy and were vulnerable in each other's arms. I picture this as you stand in front of me looking as beautiful as always. This of course leads me on like a parent guiding a child across the street. Nowhere is safe nothing is known. My time is spent with my eyes open is haunted but as soon as they shut I am tormented. For the first time I felt like I was close to someone. I had never felt that. I am the alien the outcast forever the freak. Stares sideways glances awkward interactions and uneasy encounters follow me everywhere I go. You were the first to get past that. To be at ease with me. But my mind has halls that stay locked to me, bar me entry when I need to get in. I may never fully understand all my problems, but you saw them and know them well it seems. Now I want to know, nothing is steadfast. So why has it taken me so long to see all this?

Over and out

How I Feel

So letz play a little game

I want you to try and see you if can identify all the lyrics

Song or band, both preferably

Email me at jwmulatto@gmail.com

If you can actually get them all

You know me pretty well

Or you cheated

Also if you can figure out why I chose these

Then we really need to talk

'cause she's bittersweet

She knocks me off of my feet

And I can't help myself

I don't want anyone else

She's a mystery

She's too much for me

But I keep comin' back for more

She's just the girl I'm lookin' for

She can't keep a secret

For more than an hour

She runs on 100 proof attitude power

And the more she ignores me

The more I adore her

What can I do?

I'd do anything for her

She's cold and she's cruel

But she knows what she's doin'

Knows just what to say

So my whole day is ruined

Well she's hotter than hell

And she's cool as they come

And she's smart and she's wild

All rolled into one

and you never would have thought in the end

how amazing it feels just to live again

it's a feeling that you cannot miss

it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it

if you're looking for it

won't come your way

well you'll never find it

if you're looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough

by the way your hands were shaking

rather waste some time with you

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die.
I asked you could tell, you told me to look at the sky.
Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are.

With blood shot eyes, I watch you sleeping

The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading

Would she hear me, if I called her name?

Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong

The path I walk is in the wrong direction

There's always someone fucking hanging on

Can anybody help me makes things better?

I wanted to deserve a place
A place beside you
This time when I reached out my hand
It reached all the way to heaven

I'd do anything to have her to myself

Just to have her for myself

Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sane.

She is everything to me

The unrequited dream

A song that no one sings

The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in

All I need to make it real is one more reason

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear. I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint...

This incline will always remind me of you

And the seat next to me will forever be yours

But the sun doesnt shine

Just quite like it did that day

And all the stars in the sky

Couldnt help me to cry at night

I want you to believe this

That life may have no purpose

But you make me proud

Youre the one with the power

The power thats keeping me down

But what happened that night

Couldnt haunt me tonight I swear

So Im saying out loud

That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

I was the one you always dreamed of,

You were the one I tried to draw.

How dare you say it's nothing to me?

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,

You'll be a bitch because you can.

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

these notes are marked return to sender

I'll save this letter for myself

I wish you only knew how good it is to see you

these steps I take don't get me anywhere

I'm getting further from myself

one this is always true

how good it is to see you

I'm done resenting you

you represented me so well

and this I promise you

how could I end up in the hands of someone else

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cause there was nothin' in there but you.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

Sweat Stains and Comfort Zones

Itz been a while

Since I went here without you

So long I thought

That I could make it on my own

Then after I met you

I felt that I couldn't be alone

Now though, itz all mixed up

Can't make up from left

Or right from inside out

You took me away

From everything that I knew

And put me in a world

That for the life of me

I cannot possibly understand

Not gonna lie, that was pretty fun. I enjoyed writing that random lil blurb. If you don't see the random formatting that was done, then you need to check this from the original source. Stop being fucking lame.

Anywayz, it has been way too long since I did this. Listened to new music (not exactly new, jus to me it is. Conor Oberst. Has me quite intrigued, i've heard a lot), fell back into my comfort zone, hell even since I blogged. I feel like I've let me down, and that is the hardest damn pill to swallow.

Thingz have been pretty damn interesting on this end. I've realized quite a few things, but at this moment I feel that I care only share a lil. That is until I talk with certain people. This I can say though-I finally understand why I love sports so much.

I'm not gonna toot my own horn and say itz because i'm so good or anything (but i won't deny it either). The true reason that sports have such a significant place in my life is it provides me with a comfort zone. I noticed this a couple weeks ago when I was playing racquetball. It was the first time I had done something even remotely athletic in a while, but I felt myself easing into a comfort zone. One thing about me is it doesn't matter what it is I am doing, speaking writing playing guitar whatever. I can feel eyes on me. My body temperature will start to rise. I won't say that it really bothers me, but I am quite aware of the attention. The difference with sports is that I am so at ease that none of it matters. Playing racquetball, even by myself with someone watching me that means everything to me (which would normally make my body temp sky-rocket) I was so relaxed that I was jus me. In a way that I hadn't felt in a while.

Itz prolly for this reason that I have agreed to playing racquetball jus about erynight and working out a lot more. I know that being able to be in that comfort zone more and more will help with relaxing a lot more.

Speaking of which, I need a release. Things are coming to a head, I have extreme decisions coming up and to see how it all goes down should be quite interesting.

I will mos def keep ya posted though

In the mean time

Deucez

And It All Comes Crashing Down

So I think I've come to a conclusion
Whether we realize it or not
(And for the most part, we do notice it)
We have turning points in our lives
That we have complete and total control over
Of what happens and where it goes from there.
People try to say that this pinnacles are created from the actions of us
But that it also is affected by those in our lives.
I don't agree with this though
I feel as if we have control
That at no point do we lose it
We may give it up
It may seem that things are out of our grasp
Yet it's not

With all that

I say this

Though this has been more subtle than some of my previous ones

I have reached a turning point

And this one may have the most significant outcome on my future yet

Until then

While we wait to see

I'll do what I've always done best

I'm gonna just be me

Your king committed suicide

The queen only cares about diamonds

Every guy you have known

Has just been another joker

While your tired of always being in the same place

I hope you realize girl

That I've got you Ace

Sweet Dreams My Dear

There he sits in the corner. Occasionally he will rock, hugging his knees tight to his chest, but otherwise he is still, silent. It doesn't matter where he is, he goes to the corner as quickly as his feet will take him. If he is told to come to his desk, the table for dinner, to go to bed, his expression is that of as every inch farther from his seclusion pains him greatly.
His parents worry about him immensely, but know naught what to do. Doctors find no reason that he should act so, apart from being severely shy. The parents doubt this though, for when he was younger he was a talkative playful child. He loved meeting new people, and his copper eyes would light up every time he laughed or merely smiled. Now, he never smiles and no form of emotion is visible looking into his once joyous eyes. As far as they knew, there was not anything that had brought upon this change, aside from one morning they found him in the corner and other than answering "Bad dreams" he gave no explanations.
Despite numerous attempts, his teachers would quickly get frustrated with him, finding every time they would avert attention from him he would be out of his desk and back in a far-off corner like lightning. Children being children, his classmates were greatly perturbed by his behavior. They would question him incessantly about why he always went to the corner, but alas, he would just look at them for a moment, considering what they had said, and shake his head.
These actions continued all through elementary, middle, even into high school. Avion was not small or frail, being one of the taller boys all through school. He was not underweight, nor fat and there was no indication of bullying. Sometimes students would talk in whispers about him, though it always fell silent when he would look in the direction of the noise.
Avion attracted more attention than he seemed to desire. For the mysterious actions of the copper eyed, slate haired boy seemed to entrance all the females of his high school. They desperately wanted to know what made him so, but mostly for fear of him, none approached him.
One day, the day no one could ever forget, things changed. As suddenly as he began sitting in the corner, he was an average student. He came into the classroom, sat at his desk and paid attention, even going so far as to converse with some of his fellow students. No one could figure out why he had altered so drastically, so quickly. At lunch he was nowhere to be found, but reappeared as if nothing happened in the next class. Strangely enough though, he was gone again during the last period of the day.
Before the bell dismissed everyone, the intercom came on. "Will all the students please check their lockers before leaving today, and teachers look in the top drawer of your desk. Thank you."
Immediately the students were pouring into the hallways, chattering amongst each other wondering what was going on. To all of their amazement, each locker contained a folded piece of paper. In it, in simple crude writing, it contained their name, birthdate, a date in the past with something pivotal that had happened to the person, and another date in the future telling something that would happen. The teachers all had similar notes.
Except for one boy, Brian Black. In his note, it simply read, "You must be stopped. It ends here."
As students walked out of the school, people noticed Avion sitting calmly on the brick wall surrounding the flagpole. He said nothing until Brian walked out, still looking at his note. Then he stood and said, "Brian you must be stopped. It ends here." With that, he produced a pistol from his back pocket and shot Brian in the chest two times, killing him instantly.
Later that day, at the police station being questioned by his parents and the police as to why he did it, Avion explained, "He was going to cause much more bloodshed than I did." Upon investigating Brian's house and room, it was discovered he had obtained multiple guns and planned to kill numerous classmates the next day.
When asked how he knew, Avion said, "It wasn't bad dreams I was having. It was visions."
One by one, everything he had written in the notes came true.

A New Beginnning

So everyone that knowz me prolly knowz how I have a tendency to say a lot of thingz
And then they never seem to happen
Like all the timez I have said that I was going to change
Or that I was going to help someone out
Yeah, never really happened.
Not sure why
I think I had jus gotten way too comfortable in the way that I was living
Anywho
Thatz finished
The old me is dead
Deceased
Gone
I have posted more than a few blogs talking about how I was fed up with shit and what not
But this time
I'm already changed
Itz already happening
And will continue to happen
I've hurt a lot of people in the past
Intentional and not
That is done
The only reason/way that I will hurt people is if I plan and want to do it
For too long I've cared about jus myself
And spurned people that cared about me
But I'm realizing more about myself
I have more strength than I had thought
So from here out
Itz gonna be different
For all the people that have let me borrow money
I will pay you back in full
If not with interest
All those that have helped me
I am going to help in return
Anyone who has cared about me and what happens
I care about them
To those that love me
I have learned how to love in return


There once was a man
No scratch that
There once was a male
For he was not a boy
But he didn't know what it took to be a man yet
He was cared about
Though he didn't know how to care
People looked up to him
Even though he looked up to no one
There were those that respected him
Although he had respect for none
Many people helped and tried to help him
But he never helped them in return
Everyone was alwayz there for him
Yet he wasn't anywhere to be found for anyone
He was a good person
But he didn't know how to be good
His life contained more than enough responsibilities
For some reason he could not be responsible

He was loved

But he did not know how to love

Now though

He is different

With all things

Time changes and lets things grow

And he has matured and learned

He is now ready for what he is needed for

He understands what it takes to be a man

He has learned how to care

He does have people that he looks up to

He respects people in a new light

He helps those that need and deserve it

He is there for those that matter in his life

He now knows what good is and how he can be it

He is responsible for what he needs to be and doesn't take more than what is his problem

He knows what love is and is returning it to those that he truly does love

This male

Is me

Magnolia Tree

As she walked towards the tree, she saw him. Sitting in between the roots, he looked to be asleep but she knew he was too tense. With the way his hair covered his eyes, it was impossible to know where he was looking, if his eyes were even open. Once she was close, she noticed his guitar laying next to him. She worried, knowing that the only times he'd ever brought his guitar here was if he had to think. He'd asked her to meet him, and now she was scared that something was wrong.
Sitting down next to him, he spoke without looking up. "I wrote you a song," his voice calm and clear.
Her face lit up instantly. He's never written anything for me, she thought. Played me songs, but never anything original specifically for me. Maybe itz good after all.
"Before you say anything though, I just want you to listen." He looked at her with an intensity she'd never seen before. Lifting his guitar, he started to play.

This song is not to cry to
I don't want to see your tears
Despite what you think
This is just what you need to hear
Sometimes life isn't perfect
And things will go wrong
Even as we try
It can only be ignored for so long
This time tomorrow
I will be gone away
This will be hard
But it's the only way to say
I loved you
And care about you still
Sadly people change
I no longer feel
This song is not to cry to
I don't want to see your tears
Despite what you think
This is just what you need to hear

When he stopped, she just looked at him, tears streaming down her face. He stood and turned, but she grabbed his hand.
"But Jeremy-"
"Stop." He interrupted. "This is good-bye. Let's leave it at that."
With that he left, leaving her sitting there under the magnolia tree.

Understanding is only the beginning. Accepting, that is the real challenge

This is going to absolutely rip me to shreds, but for the sake of my own sanity I must do it

I'm an infallable truth-teller

A perpetual liar

I'm a honest worker

The lazy noncommital bum

I've been burned

Therefore I have become hardened

I am loud and boisterous

So I hold back and stay quiet

I am a strong person

Yet lack the strength needed

Being considerate to a fault

I am rude beyond belief

With smarts that know no bounds

I am the greatest fool

Riches abound throughout and with me

Though I revel in the poverty

I am black

I am white

The future scares the hell out of me

While the past infuriates me to no end

I wish to be able to change a lot

Though I lack the conscious to be human

Through it all

I come to this point

Only to say

I am the amazing complex paradox of your dreams

Jus to be revealed

As the simplest piece of all

i swear i live a perpetual lie. itz ridiculous. and the sad part is that i know i am not the only one. but the fact that i know i am doing it and have wanted to change it for some time is what bothers me the most. and if normalcy is what i am supposed to settle for, then i guess in a way i am refusing to be human. some things about me have changed. that i will not deny. i've hardened almost to the point past recognition. i've done a lot of despicable things. my view has changed on some things. but my ability to settle and deal is still not there. i don't want less than i can get, and i refuse to not strive for something that i cannot achieve. you tell me that i am trapped, so i try to break free. you say i can't, therefore i try all the harder. i've set the deadline and i'm sticking to it. fuck what anyone else says or thinks, this is about me and those that i allow close enough to me. right now, for the third time in my life, the number of people that are like that are dwindling down. but nonetheless i refuse to quit living. because to live without risk is to not live at all. i will not risk those that matter on me. that is not what i mean to do. but i am will to risk all my securities and norms for what i want. what has pushed me to continue this far. we all have our dreams. for some reason, too many people let go of those dreams. that is when they begin to settle. why though? because someone told them that they couldn't? who are we to tell others what is and isn't possible? who deigned us the rulers and deciders of the lives of others than our own? it is not right. push. move forward. go against the tide. even if it means risking everything you have ever known. take a leap of faith and watch where you land. i seriously doubt that you will be disappointed. this was to start as more of an outpouring, that turned into a rant which has now become a plea. to everyone. to mankind. to myself. to those that mean everything to me. i have changed. and i most likely cannot go back. but i will keep going forward. i will do my all. and i hope that it will be enough, for me. and for you

if this is all we have to live for

and we don't like it

then who it to say that we have to settle for it?

change it

mold it

and let your dreams run rampant

free them from your muses and imaginings

so that they can become your realities

Lonely Nights

i toss and turn through the night

sleep eluding me once again

the reason why, i know for sure

because i am a lonely man

it doesn't feel right

to lay here without you by my side

getting to look in your eyes

kiss your head and say goodnight

rolling over, i catch a whiff

of that sensual perfume you wear

it makes me think even more

not even bothering to brush away the tear

as i bury my head

beneath the pillows and sheets

my last thougth before sleep takes over

is how i love your touch

so soft, so sweet

So I'm not sure

But i think i've been losing sight of what made me get here in the first place

I've never been one to doubt myself

Or second guess anything

Lately though, it seems i've been wondering

No matter

I'm taking another look at my prioritities

And this time

Itz permanent

Can you keep up in this race?

I'm not slowing for anything

So if you don't keep pace

You might get lost in the wake

Of all the chaos I'm about to create

Cuz I don't give a fuck anymore

Offended or not

Itz comin out

Welcome

If you are reading this, my friend

Then I welcome you

For you are about to start a journey

One that will change you

I will warn you though

That it will not be easy

At times you’ll feel great

Not having a care in the world

You won’t want the feeling to go

But it won’t last

There will be time of pain

Feelings of grief will be overwhelming

Anger will consume you at times

You’ll think there’s nothing left

So you’ll try to end it all

Hoping to ease the ache

Though you want to

You won’t be able to go through

Some people won’t make it to the end

Because this journey is so hard

It takes its toll

But if you keep going

And not stop giving your all

You’ll make it

I should know

Since this is my life

Never ignore your feelings

So once again, I find myself lying here
On this damn pleather couch
If it weren't for my mom
I wouldn't have to deal with this
But as is, I'm stuck listening
To some fool, lecture me about my feelings
The daydreaming had almost started when he asked
What is on your mind?
I sat there for a minute, and then responded
Well, it feels like people are always keeping secrets from me
He looked up at me and sat his notepad down in his lap
I have something to confess
I had sex with your mother, on that very couch
I jumped up so fast, filled with disgust and rage
Walking towards him
He told me to calm down, that he was sorry
I turned around and took a couple of deep breaths
Like he had instructed me so many times before
Then I beat his goddamn face in
Stepping out, Mom asked how it went
Pretty good I replied
I think I'm making progress

Don't repress anything

Jus let it all out

Every last bit

I've fallen in love with an angel

this is response to something that needs to get out
right now

The first thing I have to say is that you are more than enough for me. I am stunned continuously by your beauty. I could never even begin to see the depths of how smart you are. I have had more fun with you than anyone else. To say that you are exciting and fun would be a vast understatement. No one has ever been for me through all of my shit like you have. Giving you every single part of me is only a fraction of what you have given me. I wish that I could even begin to match what you have done for me.
You are, without a doubt, the greatest girlfriend I have ever had and that anyone could ask for. Your love is more than I could ever, ever deserve.
I will agree. A kiss is cheating. It is wrong. In more ways than I would have been willing to admit years ago, a year ago, a month ago. But now I realize. You cannot hold anything back, at all, if you want or expect a relationship to work out. Especially a long term one.
I know that you have had more chances than one could count to do to me like I did to you. You could easily have any guy that you want. It brings me to tears to think that you have been faithful to me through all of this, yet I was the uncaring, selfish prick to do something like this. Many people would never think to do the small gesture of asking things about doing things with other people, even if it is just a friend spending the night or trying to prove that something was a fluke. I cannot even start to understand how you can be so thoughtful and caring. I am working to be able to mirror that, and quit thinking of just one person.
You are my number one priority. Now and always. I agree, it should have been that way all along. I will say that I did not have my priorities in order, and that I did not fully comprehend what was important to me. Now i realize, and I hope that it is not too late to fix it.
This ring holds in me everything. All of my thoughts, dreams, hopes, failures, losses, tears, nightmares, and shame. It burns my skin to have to wear it again like this. It is not that I don't want to wear it, but to have to keep it in my possession on these terms it feels like a sentence. A reminder of what I have done wrong, and now what I am going to become to right it all. I want to give it back, but I also know that I need to wait until it is ready to be bestowed upon another.
I love you more than my life itself