tossing and turning in sheets that are so familiar
this feeling lifts us into the air
i've longed to know you
waking together with the rising dawn
but now all i want
is to know how it feels with you gone
itz been a good bit since i last posted. a lot and not shit has happened since then. thatz jus how it is. i will say, the feelings have not changed though. and therein lies the problem.
for years i don't even really remember when it began i have felt like a part of me is missing. that something is not there. maybe it was a friend i lost a memory that haunts me i'm not sure. but filling that void i've come to realize is not possible. not in the conventional sense. like so many people before i have tried to acquire as much as i can in the hopes that it will make me feel better. it will block out the pain. but it doesn't. all it does is make that hole feel bigger. so by the time i realize what is happening i have acquired a ton of shit yet feel no better.
then i start to strip away. throw out everything unneeded give back what has been given unto me and start to live without all the extra bullshit. it is at these moments that i feel like well not that maybe the hole is been filled or it has been replaced but that it is healing over and i am able to move on. that the less i am stressing about fretting over letting control my life the more i can actually live.
do i think this is significant? extremely because by realizing this i know how i need to live. i won't lie because there is no need (to be covered further on) i will still let myself enjoy the occasional pleasures indulge every once in a while but in essence i am going to strip myself of unnecessaries. there is no need to overburden my life my one shot at what i want.
now, selfrealization is something that cannot be helped sometimes. especially when you are confined to one area and have nothing to do. after you have explored everything outside you start to look inside itz natural. one curiousity that i have noticed that does bother and intrigue me a the same time is falcification. why do we lie? why is it that some of us go so far as to fabricate entire lives and side stories jus to feel interesting? i am not going to claim innocence, for i was one of the worst. i would lie without realizing it be it small or big. i would lie and lie to the point that i forgot what truth was. it is not a good feeling to reach that point. when everything is a lie that is the point that you realize you do not know what is real or what you believe. i've recovered from that point that and am ready to go. the lies have to stop. not to say that everyone should stop lying because i know that it will never happen. it is too engraved in society unfortunately (along with low self-esteem, corruption, hatred, and the overbearing alterior motive). i can even understand lying in some situations but only in times for protection either of yourself or someone close. other than that i see no need. except for cowardice. lying is the shield for cowardice. i know for a fact that is the reason i used to lie so much. i was afraid of the consequences of what people would think of myself at times. but no more.
i'm tired of living in fear. i'm done with caring about shit that doesn't matter. this is my life, my one shot.
Stop me if you can
I'm a force to be reckoned with
