8 tries, 8 lies, 8 cries, 8 complies, 8 tried, 8 lied, 8 sighed, 8 died

tossing and turning in sheets that are so familiar

this feeling lifts us into the air

i've longed to know you

waking together with the rising dawn

but now all i want

is to know how it feels with you gone

itz been a good bit since i last posted. a lot and not shit has happened since then. thatz jus how it is. i will say, the feelings have not changed though. and therein lies the problem.

for years i don't even really remember when it began i have felt like a part of me is missing. that something is not there. maybe it was a friend i lost a memory that haunts me i'm not sure. but filling that void i've come to realize is not possible. not in the conventional sense. like so many people before i have tried to acquire as much as i can in the hopes that it will make me feel better. it will block out the pain. but it doesn't. all it does is make that hole feel bigger. so by the time i realize what is happening i have acquired a ton of shit yet feel no better.

then i start to strip away. throw out everything unneeded give back what has been given unto me and start to live without all the extra bullshit. it is at these moments that i feel like well not that maybe the hole is been filled or it has been replaced but that it is healing over and i am able to move on. that the less i am stressing about fretting over letting control my life the more i can actually live.

do i think this is significant? extremely because by realizing this i know how i need to live. i won't lie because there is no need (to be covered further on) i will still let myself enjoy the occasional pleasures indulge every once in a while but in essence i am going to strip myself of unnecessaries. there is no need to overburden my life my one shot at what i want.

now, selfrealization is something that cannot be helped sometimes. especially when you are confined to one area and have nothing to do. after you have explored everything outside you start to look inside itz natural. one curiousity that i have noticed that does bother and intrigue me a the same time is falcification. why do we lie? why is it that some of us go so far as to fabricate entire lives and side stories jus to feel interesting? i am not going to claim innocence, for i was one of the worst. i would lie without realizing it be it small or big. i would lie and lie to the point that i forgot what truth was. it is not a good feeling to reach that point. when everything is a lie that is the point that you realize you do not know what is real or what you believe. i've recovered from that point that and am ready to go. the lies have to stop. not to say that everyone should stop lying because i know that it will never happen. it is too engraved in society unfortunately (along with low self-esteem, corruption, hatred, and the overbearing alterior motive). i can even understand lying in some situations but only in times for protection either of yourself or someone close. other than that i see no need. except for cowardice. lying is the shield for cowardice. i know for a fact that is the reason i used to lie so much. i was afraid of the consequences of what people would think of myself at times. but no more.

i'm tired of living in fear. i'm done with caring about shit that doesn't matter. this is my life, my one shot.

Stop me if you can

I'm a force to be reckoned with

Thus Sevenfold and Sevenfold Combined

likeaccentztoboldlyoverdone

thesecrimsoncolorzdreadfullyrun

tooboldtoorichjustenough

itzamazinghowitsmoothzoutasurfacesorough

i'm accused of being an angry person. is that so wrong? with all the shit going on and especially if you truly knew all the jackassery that i put up with i think you would be angry too. true there are those people that go through some of the worst thingz and manage to stay happy they have some hidden joy deep inside. truly i don't understand it but i say kudoz to them. cuz the rage that fuelz and tearz me apart simultaneously is something inbred something i can't and never could nor want to deny.

but i digress. this is not about me nor should it ever be. it does focus on anger though. for a second, think about all the murderz you hear about all the time the pointless attackz people jus reaching a point in which they snap. now i'm not going to ever try and say that there is any one reason behind thingz like that but certain thingz have made me realize what could help prevent a lot of it. everyone knowz how with kidz your supposed to tell them the thingz they did right/good just as much as you scold them. well i'm not sure why or what made us decide this but it seemz that one you surpass a certain age you no longer hear anything of what you do good. never does anyone utter the wordz saying you did something right. over and over day after day all we seem to get is all the negativity the downsidez what it is that we just can't seem to get right. i know it has happened to everyone at least once that you are having a rough day or something just seemz to be getting you down but then someone maybe not even someone you talk to often just sayz a little something that makez everything better. so it all boils down to this try going against the tide. next time you get ready to absolutely tear someone apart stop for just a second and see how it feelz to tell them something good about them and see how they feel. one by one i think we can change the makeup of humanity.

A Day Late

Sixpence

roughly58hourzandstillanother12intheleasttogo

fortheplaceziamdestinedonlyafewwillknow

this taste i cant shake it from my mouth. itz the combination of the fruity sweetness of articial flavoring added the bitter aftertaste of unnatural ingredientz and the rancid filth of addiction. do i have an addiction yes i do. i have more than one honestly but they range in severity. i do not give a fuck what you are giving up an addiction is a bitch no matter what the hell it is. especially if it is any type of substance or chemical natural or otherwise. you put yourself through the withdrawalz and you will hate yourself for giving in to an addiction in the first place. but that is only if you beat it. otherwise you will regard yourself a stupid idiot for trying to overcome an addiction like that when you yourself have grown soft in the uneeded necessitiez of the modern world. sadly though there are more addictionz out there than most people would like to acknowledge or even attempt to fathom. but just for a brief moment imagine think of every single thing you do. normal everyday activitiez. thingz that become almost pure muscle memory because it no longer requirez any thought just the movement. now picture just the simplest little thing you do and you having to do that to maintain a semblance of the sanity you have left. thus beginz your addiction. or for the sake of a real argument you have your daily routine be it your morning or night routine. am i correct? most people do. if you develop into being one of the people where if the slightest thing changez with your routine and your day is ruined you are an addict. you have become addicted to living a certain way and you don't like it any other way. you feel like the perfect little world the greatest schedule you have created for yourself is crumbling down as soon as the smallest part goes awry.

in all i will say there is a reason that we have become so obessessed over the most ridiculous thingz addicted to thingz that should have no sway in our livez. it is harsh but it is the truth-our livez have become that pathetic and uncharacteristic that we feel we need something to fill the void. and by attempting to fill that void we realize that the meager passes we make will not cut it so we obessess. we try and force it to occupy the emptiness inside of us while all it does it make us all that more aware of the hole.

My Poor Brain

Fivehigh

armzburninghandzshakingthismirroriamfacing

whywontitrevealtomethisbloodiamtasting

my body is stiff but itz ok. i hurt all over yet i invite it all the more. night after night i go through the same routine although it is never the same. maybe itz the place i'm in. constantly running over the same old ground i think i've worn the path into my feet rather the ground. i'm not the only one though with this problem. everywhere i look all the placez i go to the onez i turn to itz hopeless. itz like watching a bad sitcom on fucking replay. over and over and over and over and over and over sometimez itz the intentionz that change other timez the motionz. yet somehow, most people can't break out of a goddamn cycle. so help me i want to know when our brainz were replaced with microchips and our heart with oil pumpz. Individualism is an endangered species and itz fading fast. god forbid should one of us have a different opinion about something be it from our group or from a popular figure. you will be either cast out or bludgeoned until you relent often both. to hell with that i have an opinion and i'll be damned if you judge me for it. there is no one that has any right to judge. so to all you cynicz all thee unbelieverz the onez that dream and long for my downfall save a spot in hell for me.

hittheclutchswitchthegear

wearechangingdirectionsandthetimeisnear

we've become dependent dependent on too much bullshit. why cuz we bought into all the fuckin liez. you need this to be kool you have to buy this itz essential to your life how the motherfuck is an electric juicer essential to my life? sure squeezing the juice out of fruit is a pain but damn have we gotten lazy and dependent. we rely on faulty productz biased media and manufactured foodz to survive. is this living? seeing through anotherz eyez not taking thingz in for thineself? no it is some bullshit that the gd media has convinced us is the way to go so that we are safe and don't risk anything. to hell with it i'm gonna lay it all on the line with nothing to lose what do we have to gain?

Ain't It The Life

Fourthcoming

why do we accept their bullshit?
and never find things out for ourselvez
once again body worn eyez restless mind racing i find myself with thoughtz. thoughtz that i wish i could understand. the hopeless romantic the last of a dying kind i don't get it. why is it that we accept these so called love storiez in the entertainment knowing that it is not true yet we long for our livez to mirror? i have found love but because i am barely more than human at this point i fucked up. i nearly lost it completely. no my life is not a pretty fairy tale or a lovely story. i'm not even going to try and make it that. it is my life that i choose to live my way. we wait expecting thingz to just happen for us for our fairy godmotherz to come and grant our every whimz. this is the point at which i think we need a reality check. have we grown that out of touch that we long for something that cannot be? i am not condemning romanticism but simply pointing out that too often we expect what is not achievable. maybe i'm wrong that it is possible to have the perfect love story. i would be beyond thrilled to see it and to see success. until then i'm going to be more than i ever thought was possible and accept my namesake.
i have the infamy
notoriety is only a token more
what i long for is the peace
to see the end of the war
Disenchanted Lullaby

The Picture

drip, drop. watch it all slide down.

i want to paint a picture with this paint, such a vibrant and rich color. itz not right though. this crimson, though beautiful is not my cobalt. the sketch that livess in my mind, only one color rules supreme. such a deep, royal, heartwrenching shade. maybe, i can try and make it look right. moving my hands to the canvas, angling my wrist jus right i begin. a lil bit here, a dash there. maybe this line..............no. dammit no no no. what is this? this isn't what i wanted. this hurts, this is wrong. who's hand is that? why..i don't understand. the color matches perfectly, but the rose? it shouldn't be alone. it is never alone. not in......fuck. how did this happen? it should not have gone this way. now i can't stop it, and though the picture is gorgeous it shows all the emotions i didn't want. how does one even do this? itz.................the blood, the pain, the rose. it all comes together and now i see it.

who knew, someone so beautiful could be so ugly

who thought, a being so bright could dim itself

no believed, that there was so much more to the eye

Thrice

Cuz she's three times a lady
so cold yet inviting. i cannot resist her. harsh though she soothes your painz. she'll talk to you all day yet you can't hardly get a word in. care to explain to me why? why we put ourselves through it time and time again? because you know that even when it seemz pointless you know it will go nowhere you hold out the slight hope that maybe it can be something more. one night stands are just outlets for faulty searches unjustified loneliness longing for acceptance. in the short moments we spend in the throes of passion we know it will end far before we are ready yet we continue to subject ourselves to it. we keep false hope in the thought that it will somehow last. it was said that every man dies alone. are we scared? yes. scared to fucking death of that thought. keep trying if you think you have what it takes. but realize both must want it or it won't ever be anything. holding back only keeps you in the same place no matter how much you might want to move on.

Best of You

Deucez

now i'm looking at all these cards in my hand. itz interesting to say the least. how we're all dealt a lot, but it all playz out differently. i guess it dependz on the lot you're given and the person you are. not to say that mine is less or more than yourz. honestly i feel we have the same amount cardz that is. as for what it is that we have, some may have similiar cardz but no one's is the same. as i look over mine i have mixed feelingz but then i look at you and how you look at your hand. i won't say that your pessimistic about it but it is obvious that you're not happy. you never did have a very good poker face but i can't handle this. i'm not you so i could never say that i completely understand or know what you were dealt. this i know though what we have is what we're stuck with. i see you plead for a redeal a chance to draw another card. you don't pay attention to the game sometimez and i swear i've wondered if you were just going to quit at other momentz. it's a bad decision though to give up. this isn't an easy game to win but how can you win if you let yourself lose? it died because you refused to fight. i'm not saying the throwing your cards in is the way to go but if you have nothing worth fighting for what is the fight for? so many people miss this and so they throw their cards in. you though are different. all you see is the red cardz that just turn on you. if there were some way to show you i would. granted the cardz you've had were tough to play but they affect more than only you. i caught just a glimpse of what you had and it threw my entire hand off. it has shifted everything about it how i want to play it and what is worth it. i know i'm not the only person either. your hand has such possibility and you just don't see it. maybe i was wrong i guess i taught you how to bluff a little too well

Cheer up boys (your makeup is running)

#1

Now I lay me down to weep

This poor soul will never sleep

Dear father time won't let me die

But who's to question why

I'm standing near so near. It is sapping my strength to think of the last time we were close. When we shared an intimacy and were vulnerable in each other's arms. I picture this as you stand in front of me looking as beautiful as always. This of course leads me on like a parent guiding a child across the street. Nowhere is safe nothing is known. My time is spent with my eyes open is haunted but as soon as they shut I am tormented. For the first time I felt like I was close to someone. I had never felt that. I am the alien the outcast forever the freak. Stares sideways glances awkward interactions and uneasy encounters follow me everywhere I go. You were the first to get past that. To be at ease with me. But my mind has halls that stay locked to me, bar me entry when I need to get in. I may never fully understand all my problems, but you saw them and know them well it seems. Now I want to know, nothing is steadfast. So why has it taken me so long to see all this?

Over and out

How I Feel

So letz play a little game

I want you to try and see you if can identify all the lyrics

Song or band, both preferably

Email me at jwmulatto@gmail.com

If you can actually get them all

You know me pretty well

Or you cheated

Also if you can figure out why I chose these

Then we really need to talk

'cause she's bittersweet

She knocks me off of my feet

And I can't help myself

I don't want anyone else

She's a mystery

She's too much for me

But I keep comin' back for more

She's just the girl I'm lookin' for

She can't keep a secret

For more than an hour

She runs on 100 proof attitude power

And the more she ignores me

The more I adore her

What can I do?

I'd do anything for her

She's cold and she's cruel

But she knows what she's doin'

Knows just what to say

So my whole day is ruined

Well she's hotter than hell

And she's cool as they come

And she's smart and she's wild

All rolled into one

and you never would have thought in the end

how amazing it feels just to live again

it's a feeling that you cannot miss

it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it

if you're looking for it

won't come your way

well you'll never find it

if you're looking for it

should've done something but I've done it enough

by the way your hands were shaking

rather waste some time with you

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die.
I asked you could tell, you told me to look at the sky.
Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are.

With blood shot eyes, I watch you sleeping

The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading

Would she hear me, if I called her name?

Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong

The path I walk is in the wrong direction

There's always someone fucking hanging on

Can anybody help me makes things better?

I wanted to deserve a place
A place beside you
This time when I reached out my hand
It reached all the way to heaven

I'd do anything to have her to myself

Just to have her for myself

Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sane.

She is everything to me

The unrequited dream

A song that no one sings

The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in

All I need to make it real is one more reason

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear. I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint...

This incline will always remind me of you

And the seat next to me will forever be yours

But the sun doesnt shine

Just quite like it did that day

And all the stars in the sky

Couldnt help me to cry at night

I want you to believe this

That life may have no purpose

But you make me proud

Youre the one with the power

The power thats keeping me down

But what happened that night

Couldnt haunt me tonight I swear

So Im saying out loud

That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

I was the one you always dreamed of,

You were the one I tried to draw.

How dare you say it's nothing to me?

Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,

You'll be a bitch because you can.

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

these notes are marked return to sender

I'll save this letter for myself

I wish you only knew how good it is to see you

these steps I take don't get me anywhere

I'm getting further from myself

one this is always true

how good it is to see you

I'm done resenting you

you represented me so well

and this I promise you

how could I end up in the hands of someone else

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cause there was nothin' in there but you.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

Sweat Stains and Comfort Zones

Itz been a while

Since I went here without you

So long I thought

That I could make it on my own

Then after I met you

I felt that I couldn't be alone

Now though, itz all mixed up

Can't make up from left

Or right from inside out

You took me away

From everything that I knew

And put me in a world

That for the life of me

I cannot possibly understand

Not gonna lie, that was pretty fun. I enjoyed writing that random lil blurb. If you don't see the random formatting that was done, then you need to check this from the original source. Stop being fucking lame.

Anywayz, it has been way too long since I did this. Listened to new music (not exactly new, jus to me it is. Conor Oberst. Has me quite intrigued, i've heard a lot), fell back into my comfort zone, hell even since I blogged. I feel like I've let me down, and that is the hardest damn pill to swallow.

Thingz have been pretty damn interesting on this end. I've realized quite a few things, but at this moment I feel that I care only share a lil. That is until I talk with certain people. This I can say though-I finally understand why I love sports so much.

I'm not gonna toot my own horn and say itz because i'm so good or anything (but i won't deny it either). The true reason that sports have such a significant place in my life is it provides me with a comfort zone. I noticed this a couple weeks ago when I was playing racquetball. It was the first time I had done something even remotely athletic in a while, but I felt myself easing into a comfort zone. One thing about me is it doesn't matter what it is I am doing, speaking writing playing guitar whatever. I can feel eyes on me. My body temperature will start to rise. I won't say that it really bothers me, but I am quite aware of the attention. The difference with sports is that I am so at ease that none of it matters. Playing racquetball, even by myself with someone watching me that means everything to me (which would normally make my body temp sky-rocket) I was so relaxed that I was jus me. In a way that I hadn't felt in a while.

Itz prolly for this reason that I have agreed to playing racquetball jus about erynight and working out a lot more. I know that being able to be in that comfort zone more and more will help with relaxing a lot more.

Speaking of which, I need a release. Things are coming to a head, I have extreme decisions coming up and to see how it all goes down should be quite interesting.

I will mos def keep ya posted though

In the mean time

Deucez

And It All Comes Crashing Down

So I think I've come to a conclusion
Whether we realize it or not
(And for the most part, we do notice it)
We have turning points in our lives
That we have complete and total control over
Of what happens and where it goes from there.
People try to say that this pinnacles are created from the actions of us
But that it also is affected by those in our lives.
I don't agree with this though
I feel as if we have control
That at no point do we lose it
We may give it up
It may seem that things are out of our grasp
Yet it's not

With all that

I say this

Though this has been more subtle than some of my previous ones

I have reached a turning point

And this one may have the most significant outcome on my future yet

Until then

While we wait to see

I'll do what I've always done best

I'm gonna just be me

Your king committed suicide

The queen only cares about diamonds

Every guy you have known

Has just been another joker

While your tired of always being in the same place

I hope you realize girl

That I've got you Ace

Sweet Dreams My Dear

There he sits in the corner. Occasionally he will rock, hugging his knees tight to his chest, but otherwise he is still, silent. It doesn't matter where he is, he goes to the corner as quickly as his feet will take him. If he is told to come to his desk, the table for dinner, to go to bed, his expression is that of as every inch farther from his seclusion pains him greatly.
His parents worry about him immensely, but know naught what to do. Doctors find no reason that he should act so, apart from being severely shy. The parents doubt this though, for when he was younger he was a talkative playful child. He loved meeting new people, and his copper eyes would light up every time he laughed or merely smiled. Now, he never smiles and no form of emotion is visible looking into his once joyous eyes. As far as they knew, there was not anything that had brought upon this change, aside from one morning they found him in the corner and other than answering "Bad dreams" he gave no explanations.
Despite numerous attempts, his teachers would quickly get frustrated with him, finding every time they would avert attention from him he would be out of his desk and back in a far-off corner like lightning. Children being children, his classmates were greatly perturbed by his behavior. They would question him incessantly about why he always went to the corner, but alas, he would just look at them for a moment, considering what they had said, and shake his head.
These actions continued all through elementary, middle, even into high school. Avion was not small or frail, being one of the taller boys all through school. He was not underweight, nor fat and there was no indication of bullying. Sometimes students would talk in whispers about him, though it always fell silent when he would look in the direction of the noise.
Avion attracted more attention than he seemed to desire. For the mysterious actions of the copper eyed, slate haired boy seemed to entrance all the females of his high school. They desperately wanted to know what made him so, but mostly for fear of him, none approached him.
One day, the day no one could ever forget, things changed. As suddenly as he began sitting in the corner, he was an average student. He came into the classroom, sat at his desk and paid attention, even going so far as to converse with some of his fellow students. No one could figure out why he had altered so drastically, so quickly. At lunch he was nowhere to be found, but reappeared as if nothing happened in the next class. Strangely enough though, he was gone again during the last period of the day.
Before the bell dismissed everyone, the intercom came on. "Will all the students please check their lockers before leaving today, and teachers look in the top drawer of your desk. Thank you."
Immediately the students were pouring into the hallways, chattering amongst each other wondering what was going on. To all of their amazement, each locker contained a folded piece of paper. In it, in simple crude writing, it contained their name, birthdate, a date in the past with something pivotal that had happened to the person, and another date in the future telling something that would happen. The teachers all had similar notes.
Except for one boy, Brian Black. In his note, it simply read, "You must be stopped. It ends here."
As students walked out of the school, people noticed Avion sitting calmly on the brick wall surrounding the flagpole. He said nothing until Brian walked out, still looking at his note. Then he stood and said, "Brian you must be stopped. It ends here." With that, he produced a pistol from his back pocket and shot Brian in the chest two times, killing him instantly.
Later that day, at the police station being questioned by his parents and the police as to why he did it, Avion explained, "He was going to cause much more bloodshed than I did." Upon investigating Brian's house and room, it was discovered he had obtained multiple guns and planned to kill numerous classmates the next day.
When asked how he knew, Avion said, "It wasn't bad dreams I was having. It was visions."
One by one, everything he had written in the notes came true.